In an Instant...Life Changed
I thought I had a sinus infection. I thought I would be walking out of the appointment with prescription in hand. I thought way wrong.
I stood paralyzed, body and mind. Wondering. Searching for something, anything that made sense. This was not like in the movies - no supportive family accompanying the patient to the “delivery of bad news” appointment; no one to tell me it would be okay; and no one to wrap their arms around me in reassurance.
The mass in my throat didn’t look scary. I saw it on the screen myself. Yes, it didn’t belong there, but it was smooth, round and unscary. Then he felt my neck lymph nodes. “Number 1,” he said, “it’s cancer. Number 2, it’s cancer. And number 3, it’s cancer.” How dare he turn my world upside down and without pathology?
That moment cannot appropriately be described with words. I may have dissociated from myself. I watched her as she absorbed the doctor’s words, struggling to be okay on the outside but falling apart on the inside. The mind frantically looks for a way out. This can’t be. The doctor is an idiot. I would know if I was ill. Get me out of this sick dream. Run. Run. Run. My dissociated self didn’t run. Instead, we waited for the CT scan to be scheduled and thanked the doctor and staff for their prompt attention.
Zombie-like, I got in my car. I was unsure what to do next. Do I drive far away? Call someone? Go back to work? What is appropriate behavior when one’s life completely unravels before them? I didn’t know.
I drove for a while. It changed nothing. So, I went home. Home…my safe place…yet it could not protect me from what was about to happen. I stood statuesque, staring at the pond outside. I made a vow to myself – I would tell no one of this. I would do this alone. I would spare everyone who loved me from the deep, cutting pain that I felt inside.
I believed withholding this information would be the best choice for everyone, for about an hour. Then it hit me. I would die if I did not have the love and support of my family and friends. I felt it in my heart and in my gut. This could not be my secret. I had to tell the world that I had lymphoma.